All events below are, once again, surgically enhanced, but based on real happenings, ( yes, honestly! ). Any likeness to persons living or otherwise is entirely co-incidental. Names have been changed to raise a cheap laugh.
SFX Phone rings
I stumble out of the shower, my modesty ineffectively being covered by a small hand-towel.
‘Is that the organist?’
‘Well I am AN organist, yes’
‘ This is Mrs Sternly-Bustling. My daughter Brünnhilde is getting married, and she wants the “Staccato” by “The V Doors”. The wedding is only 3-and-a-half years away, at St Kessogs Church, Lower Uffern – do you know it?’
‘ I have to say, I haven’t yet had the pleasure…’
‘They have got an organ there, although I don’t think it’s used that often’.
( I reach for my laptop, and look up said church organ on NPOR – it is a single manual, hand-pumped Crappitt & Sons of 1834 – unaltered since then and unvisited by a tuner, with a total of 4 stops and no pedals.)
‘ I can well imagine ‘.
‘ They’re not a musical couple, so I thought of the “Trumpet Volunteer” to come in to, and Brünnhilde’s sister Fortuna is going to sing during the signing of the register. She hasn’t done much singing on her own in public since she was at school – but she used to be very good, she got a merit on her Grade 2’.
‘And what shall she be treating us to?’
‘ “Memory”, but the tune is all wrong. She can’t reach the notes in the high bit, and the low bit is too low for her’.
‘ Leaving not many options in between…’
‘ Can you do the high bit a bit lower, and the low bit a bit higher for her? ‘
‘… so that they meet in the middle, you mean? Well that certainly would be a challenge for both me and the listeners..’
‘ or the other idea is to walk in to ‘ Lara’s theme’ from ‘ Gone with the wind’…”
‘ I need to get a pen. ‘
( I reach for the pen, lose the towel and frighten the windowcleaner, who runs away).
‘.. she wants to walk in at the loud bit, so we’ll need to rehearse with you a couple of times before, to make sure you get it right… ‘
‘ I don’t usually rehearse the entry music with the bride that often, but I can make sure that the music reaches a suitably majestic crescendo when she appears – I’ll pull out the 4 foot flute, and the effect will be theatrically stunning, I’m sure’.
‘…so you’ll be at the 3 rehearsals at the church, then? ‘
‘Did you say ‘3 rehearsals?’ – but that would mean a round trip of 115 miles to Lower Uffern and back, each time.’
‘ Well the vicar there said that 5 rehearsals was too many – but it has to be right, hasn’t it? I mean, the dress is costing us £35,000 – it’s being specially hand-stitched by nuns from Norway. And we’ve had to pay out for the ‘Hotel Louche’ which is the best part of £100,000 – then there’s the ‘Kajagoogoo’ tribute band, another £5,000 and the cake, the bridesmaid’s dresses, the vintage cars, not to mention the honeymoon, suits, rings, flowers, stag night, hen night, chocolate fountain, photographers….
We’ll pay you for playing of course – only the best for Brünnhilde. Shall we say £25?……… hello? ……
….Are you still there?’
SFX – dialling tone.